Calls to get everybody eating five-a-day have got louder as a leading medical journal has said that obesity should be re-classified as a 'non-disease'.

Obesity is among many conditions no longer considered a genuine disease by the British Medical Journal.

'I'm distraught,' said Freddy McFadden, known to his friends as 'Fatty McFatfat'. 'I'm ill and no one will help me. I was this close to getting my treacle sponge on the NHS. Now I won't even be allowed to queue-jump at KFC.' The big-boned are not the only members of society to suffer. It has shocked some to find that 'stupidity' is also a non-disease. 'I likes doctors,' said one stupid man, who couldn't remember his name.

But some sufferers are relieved. Ari Akee from Stoke Newington was diagnosed with chronic ugliness two years ago. 'I'm so happy,' he said. 'My GP told me that the Ugly Stick was the cruellest weapon in the good Lord's armoury and I had no hope for a cure. But now I have seen the light. I've realised that I never needed this bag over my head after all.' Other diseases that may be henceforth ignored include work, boredom, baldness and big ears.

The implications are serious says Professor Longan Lingonberry of the pressure group People Need Disease.

He said: 'Soon trains will be full of bald, ugly, bored commuters. It will be sheer hell. They will no longer be confined to trains bound for Charing Cross, is that really what you want?'